If you’re looking to make friends, you’re not alone. In fact, study after study has shown that we are suffering through what some have called a “loneliness epidemic”:
- From 1990 to 2021, the percentage of adults saying they have a “best friend” dropped from 75% to 59%.
- People from the ages of 19-29 report the highest levels of loneliness (27% are “Very lonely”). These numbers decrease as people age.
Sometimes, our struggle to make friends gets blamed on our online lives. And sure, the internet has changed the way we interact and maybe killed some old ways of making friends (like at the mall). But technology is also creating new ways to make friends! So we’ll focus on some of the new and some of the old here.
In this article, we’ll talk about what it takes to make friends. We’ll show you some simple, research-backed strategies for:
- Finding people to be friends with.
- Forming connections.
- And forming better, deeper friendships.
It’s not hard! And by following these strategies, you could have a new friend by this time next week!
Hungry for community
In his famous book “Bowling Alone”, Robert Putnam described what he called the collapse of American social capital. For Putnam, the demise of bowling alleys was a warning sign. As a lot of us disconnect from communities, we get lonelier. And that makes it harder to make friends.
If you’re looking to make friends, there are two big ways to think about it.
Offline community
Even in a connected world, there are still lots of opportunities to make friends IRL. This includes some of the old-school ways we’ll talk about below, like community volunteering or meeting your neighbors.
But there’s a new wave of intentional offline communities forming too!
We loved the viral videos of cafes popping up where phones are not allowed. People gather to play board games, knit, and chat. This picture is from an event in London.
The thing is, people want to connect. We know it. We realize that our digital lives often leave us missing the real part of human connection we crave so much. And we can get intentional about how we build it.
And online community
But online community can be powerful too. And one of the benefits of online communities is that they are great places to make friends!
When so many people are being pushed into echo chambers and doom scrolling by social media algorithms, it’s easy to get cynical about the state of community online. When we have so many studies showing the harms of social media, it gets easy to blame loneliness on it.
But tech isn’t always the enemy of making friends. In fact, more of our relationships start online. This is true of dating, where the rise of meeting online has skyrocketed.
And it’s true of friendships too!
You can form incredible relationships over the internet. Real, lasting, genuine friendships. Friendships that stay online and friendships that spill into real life.
Sure, the online world has challenged some of the ways we used to make friends. But it’s opened up new possibilities to connect to strangers IRL and around the world online.
How to make friends
Where to make friends as an adult.
1. Find events
Even a small to medium-sized city will have things happening most weekends. And if you live in a big city, there’s ALWAYS stuff going on.
Here are some resources for finding what’s happening.
- Meetup: A website dedicated to helping people find local events. You’ll find plenty of formal events, but also lots of people looking to connect for things like “Ugly sweater” parties or “board game nights.”
- Eventbrite: Another option with lots of local events.
- Google: If you Google “conferences” or “events in my town,” you’ll find that any city has tons of stuff happening on the average weekend. Find something that interests you and go! Take a chance.
2. Join stuff
If you aren’t already active in extra curriculars, it’s one of the best ways to make friends. Whether it’s a pickup football game, mountain biking, or scrapbooking, joining things can get you into contact with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet. Find a local club to get involved with and dive in.
*Tip: Remember, it can be intimidating to join new groups where it feels like everyone knows each other and/or knows more about the activity than you do. It’s normal to feel a bit of imposter syndrome at first. Remember that every “insider” was once an “outsider.” Keep going! *
3. Meet your neighbors
The people around you may or may not be the perfect friends. But you should at least figure it out. Things like block parties or community events can be a way to meet the people around you. Talk to your neighbors if you get a chance. You never know what can come of it.
4. Care for others
Whether it’s volunteering at a local nursing home or baking muffins for a neighbor, finding ways to care for others takes the focus off yourself and helps you to form new friendships. It also makes people feel valued and cared for, and does a lot to combat our loneliness–even if it doesn’t lead to lifelong friendships.
5. Volunteer
Volunteering for stuff in your community can be a great way to make new friends. Signing up for a cause you care about is the perfect place to meet like-minded people who are driven by similar ideals and values. Here are a couple ways to get started:
- Choose a cause you care about: The majority of non-profits and citizen action groups are always looking for people to help. It could be as easy as dropping an email or phone call to see if there are volunteer opportunities.
- Sign up for your kids’ activities: If you are a parent, you will know that there is almost always a need for volunteers for things like school trips, the PTA, or local sports. While it’s a time commitment, signing up for these types of activities can increase your exposure to other parents too! A lot of parents make friends this way.
6. Join an online community
Online communities have made it possible to connect with people from all around the world, over even the most obscure interests.
It might be hard to find people in your small town who care as much as you do about Norwegian death metal or orchid growing, but it’s not hard online. That’s why online communities are so incredible and affirming–you can find people to share almost any interest with!
Online communities are often the answer to the question, “Why can’t I find people who care about the same things I do?”
If you did a quick survey of the staff here at Mighty, you’d find that a lot of us are in online communities! We don’t just run the platform, we know how awesome it can be to connect over a shared interest or journey.
If you want to find an online community, check out our database of Mighty Networks to join!
7. Build a community
If you can’t find one to join, you could consider starting your own online community! It’s not hard to get started on a community platform, bringing people together around something that you care about.
Whether it’s a paid community on a platform like a Mighty Network that earns you some cash or a free community, there’s always room for more places for people to connect online.
8. Go further at work
Work is a place to make friends. This doesn’t mean that every workplace needs to be “a family,” but statistics do show that at least 76% of people have a close friend at work.
If you aren’t one of these people yet, look for opportunities to make new connections. In a big workplace, you might find friends on other teams or other parts of the organization.
- Join committees that give you exposure to other parts of your workplace.
- Attend workplace events like talks, parties, etc., with an open mind and don’t be afraid to talk to people!
- Find opportunities to work on projects that expand the circle of people you interact with.
- Don’t just talk about work. While professionalism is a real thing we need at work, it doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t ever talk about our lives.
- “Network” at work. Asking another employee for coffee or lunch can be good for your career, but in some cases it may lead to friendships too!
9. Say “Yes” more often
When you get invitations, try to say “Yes” more often! If you’re the type of person who turns down a lot of social invites, make this the year you accept them. Who knows what will happen!
10. Try an app
Apps have changed the dating world with their “swipe left” and “swipe right.” But they’ve also changed the way we make friends.
This includes a few apps that are specifically designed to help people meet their new besties. If you’ve never tried one, one of these apps might be a good place to start.
- Bumble launched a new focus–”Bumble for Friends.”
- Hey Vina! - “Tinder for (Girl) Friends”:
- NextDoor - An app for all things local, including making friends!
11. Get religion
In the past, a lot of friendships were formed around religious or ethnic community hubs, like churches, mosques, and synagogues. If this is a part of your identity, maybe it’s time to reconnect with a community space like this. These types of organizations often make it easier to connect.
Quick tips for making new friends
- Ask questions: Don’t make it all about you. People love to talk about themselves. Make sure to ask questions and learn about people when you meet them.
- Practice active listening: Nodding and asking follow-up questions can help people feel heard.
- Start conversations with easy things: It’s not scary to ask questions like “Where do you work?” or “Where are you from?”
- But get personal: Real friendships aren’t born of small talk. Real friendships require vulnerability, sharing your thoughts, hopes, and dreams.
- Push through the awkward: A first conversation can be awkward, for you and for the person. Push through it! You can even name it (e.g. saying “Well, this is awkward,” with a laugh).
- Face rejection head on: Asking someone for coffee or a number might lead to rejection. And it stings for a minute. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. If one connection doesn’t work, get back up and try again!
- Make a plan: It’s easy and non-commital to say “we should hang out sometime.” But if you want to make real friends, try saying things like “Want to meet for coffee next week at X place?”
- Follow up: Just like a job interview, follow up on new friendships too! After you meet someone, you can text them and say, “It was so great meeting you! I’m excited to grab coffee.”
- Follow through: If you say you’re going to text or call or show up, do it! Keep your word and show that you’re trustworthy.
- Build groups: Some of these things can feel awkward 1:1. So why not make it a group? Invite other people into your conversation. Instead of trying to hang out 1:1 with someone, try creating group activities. For example, invite a group of people together for coffee or an activity. Making it a group thing takes pressure off an individual and makes it easier to say yes.
- Connect online: By exchanging social profiles (e.g. LinkedIn, Insta), you can keep in touch with them and learn more about them.
- Don’t be afraid to move on: It sounds harsh, but it’s true. Not every potential friendship will work. Acknowledge to yourself if a friendship isn’t working and move on. There are lots of great people in the world. Maybe you just haven’t met your best friends yet.
- Remember that others are lonely too: If you’re feeling lonely, you’re not alone. We quoted the stats on loneliness above. Others are feeling lonely too. By making a new friend, you just might be curing someone else’s loneliness!
How to make better friendships (5 foundational things)
Understand yourself
All of us bring different baggage to friendships. If you struggle to make friends, it’s worth examining who you are and what your experiences with friends are.
For example,
- If you were bullied as a child, it can be harder to trust adult friendships. Studies have shown that bullying victims carry the scars into adulthood, and have higher rates of social anxiety and are less likely to trust friendships.
- If you had damaged attachment styles from your family of origin, it can be hard to form adult friendships. For example, people with anxious-preoccupied attachment might fear abandonment or constantly look for reassurance. Avoidant people might struggle with intimacy and maintain emotional distance. (You can read more about attachment theory here).
- Past betrayals by friends can make it harder to form new friendships. If you’re scared of getting hurt again, it can be hard to trust.
These types of psychological wounds from past relationships can make it harder to form new friendships. If you have access to mental health support (e.g. a therapist), it can be great to talk these through.
Dealing with this baggage can potentially help you form new and stronger friendships.
Know who you are and what you need
As you look at forming new friendships, it’s really important to understand who you are and what you need.
- Are you introverted or extroverted? If you get energy from going out to clubs, finding a friend who gets energy from being home alone every Friday might not be the best fit.
- What are your boundaries and deal breakers? People who struggle with boundaries can end up forming unhealthy friendships.
Knowing how to form friendships really starts with knowing what you actually need from friendships. Not every person wants the same thing.
Love yourself
This might sound a bit woo woo, but self esteem is an important part of forming friendships. If you struggle to love yourself, you can struggle to make friends–or not trust it when you do form friendships.
Try to appreciate the great things about YOU. Some people find that positive affirmations can help with this, or a gratitude journal. As you grow your ability to love yourself, you’ll find your ability to accept love grows.
Don’t be something you’re not
As a follow up to loving yourself, be yourself! Some people try to make friends by shape-shifting into someone they’re not, pretending to like things they don’t.
This is exhausting! And not a great way to form new, long-term friendships.
While it’s important to be open to new interests and experiences that surprise you, it’s also important to acknowledge who you really are. And trust that you will find friends who like you for who you are.
Find the right people (you don’t need everyone)
Let’s take a friendship analogy from sales. A good sales person isn’t trying to convince every person they meet to buy their thing. A good sales person tries to sift through the many people they meet to find the few qualified buyers. Instead of convincing everyone to buy, they try to find the right people to buy.
It can be helpful to think about friendships like this.
The average person knows about , and will meet 80,000 people in their lifetime. You don’t need all 800 people to be your friends. And you don’t need to spend a ton of time convincing people to be your friends who won’t be (or convincing yourself to like the people you don’t like).
There are a lot of people out there. Keep looking and meeting people.
Conclusion
We hope these tips have you ready to make a new friend! Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. It can take some discomfort, but it’s worth it to meet someone great.
And don’t forget, if you’re looking for an online community to join, try searching here! We’ve got communities around almost any interest you can think of.
